A Very Important Search For A Very Important Thing
by Brave New Writer
Summary: Another story from my over-worked, under-paid imagination.


"PIERCE!"  
  
Interesting start to a story, huh? I thought so.  
  
Hawkeye Pierce looked at Frank "Face Like A Ferret" Burns with a completely innocent smile on his face, but his blue eyes betrayed him.  
  
"Yes, Adolf?"  
  
Frank hesitated, and decided to let that go. "Just what do you think you were doing in my bunk? While I was sleeping in it?"  
  
Hawk was appalled. "I know what you're thinking, Frank! I'm not THAT much of a pervert, am I?"  
  
"I tend to think so!"  
  
Now, it was 4 AM, and as I'm sure you all know, yelling at an ungodly hour ain't a good idea. Trapper McIntyre certainly thought that was true. "Yo, keep the war down, please. SOME of us have been operating long hours."  
  
Hawkeye turned. "I didn't know you were in surgery last night, Trap."  
  
Trap grinned tiredly.  
  
"A nurse had a problem with her arms. They kept curving into a hugging position even when no one else was there. I fixed it."  
  
"Can we PLEASE get back to the problem at hand?" Frank asked angrily.  
  
Hawkeye shrugged. "I was looking for something."  
  
"What?"  
  
Ignoring him, Hawk continued. "I looked in my bunk, under my bunk, in Trap's bunk, under Trap's bunk, and in your bunk. I would crawl under to look, but it's suffering from cleanliness."  
  
**************************  
  
Around 8:00, people started filing into the Mess Tent for breakfast. You only ate the Mess Tent food if you were desperately hungry or suicidal, and MOST of the people there were the former.  
  
Henry Blake chased his powdered egg around his plate with his fork. The egg obviously didn't want to be eaten. "C'mon, I'm a Lieutenant Colonel. You have to obey me, so do what I say. Get onto the fork!"  
  
Suddenly, a pair of hands from behind Henry snatched the plate up and examined the table. Henry looked up into Hawkeye's eyes. "Hello, Pierce."  
  
Hawk didn't answer. He began to examine the plate, turning it upside down. What the cook called breakfast fell to the floor. "Damn it, Pierce!"  
  
"I'm looking for something very important, Henry. Can't live without it!"  
  
Henry massaged his eyes. He could feel a migraine coming on.  
  
**************************  
  
"Radar?"  
  
"Hi sir."  
  
Hawkeye cringed. Being called "sir" made him feel sick to his stomach.  
  
No, wait . . . it was breakfast that was making him feel sick to his stomach.  
  
Hawkeye sat down on Radar O'Reilly's bunk and started thumbing through his new comic book. "Could you please maybe not get your fingerprints all over it, sir?"  
  
"Radar, I need to get into the file cabinets. I'm looking for something of monumental importance."  
  
Without a word, Radar tossed a set of keys over to Hawk.  
  
**************************  
  
"Okay, let's see . . ." Hawkeye murmured, flipping through file after file.  
  
"Oh, hold on, what's this?"  
  
Hawkeye took out a file. It was Frank's.  
  
Uh-oh, methinks the plot's about to detour . . .  
  
Hawk grabbed a black pen off of Henry's desk. Sitting in the Colonel's chair, Hawkeye opened up Frank's file, found a blank information form in Henry's desk, and set to work, humming "Meet Me In St. Louis" all the while.  
  
**************************  
  
Later, Hawk had Radar call Frank to the office.  
  
"What do YOU want, Captain?"  
  
"I was just looking over your file, Major, and I noticed some strange things."  
  
Hawk held out Frank's file and he grabbed it. Frank began to scan it. "What the . . ."  
  
Under "Name", it said Adolf Hitler. Frank's birthday was listed as April 20th, 1889. The file said he graduated from the "highly-acclaimed" Berlin Dictator's College, majoring in anti-Semitism and quack medicine. Angrily, Frank threw the file down.  
  
"PIERCE!"  
  
Wow, that's the second "PIERCE!" today. Frank's on a roll.  
  
**************************  
  
Margaret Houlihan screamed.  
  
She had been taking a nice, albeit freezing, shower when she had looked up and spotted a blue eye peeking through a hole at the top of the canvas tent. She knew that eye. "Captain Pierce! What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Looking for something."  
  
Margaret glared. "Well, you won't find it in here, pervert!"  
  
"Thank you, Hot Lips. That's a beautiful compliment."  
  
"Go away!"  
  
"Should I come back later, then?"  
  
**************************  
  
"Corporal O'Reilly, we wish to speak to Colonel Blake."  
  
Radar looked up from his comics at Frank and Margaret. "I'm sorry, but the Colonel's doing some very important snoring for the Army."  
  
"We wish to speak with him, NOW." Margaret's tone was dangerous.  
  
Radar gulped. "Yes sir, I mean ma'am, I mean sir, I mean . . ."  
  
"Just wake him up, Corporal!"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
**************************  
  
"Colonel, Captain Pierce is up to something today."  
  
Henry sighed; his migraine was getting worse, and for some odd reason gin wasn't helping.  
  
"As opposed to when, Major?"  
  
Margaret rolled her eyes. "Pierce insists that he's looking for something very important. Major Burns believes that he is up to no good." Frank nodded emphatically.  
  
Henry poured himself some more gin. "I think that deserves another 'As opposed to when, Major?'."  
  
He drank the gin in one gulp. "Ra . . ."  
  
"Captain Pierce is on his way, sir."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
**************************  
  
"Well, Pierce?"  
  
Hawkeye cleared his throat. "After a careless examination of the entire camp, I have come to the conclusion that what I'm looking for is not here."  
  
"What exactly ARE you looking for?"  
  
Hawkeye whispered, "Can you keep a secret?"  
  
Henry nodded, and looked at Frank and Margaret, prompting them to do the same.  
  
"Good. Here's the extremely important thing that I'm searching for and can't live without."  
  
Hawk paused for suspense.  
  
"Yes?" Frank asked.  
  
"The thing that I am desperately looking for is . . ."  
  
Henry, Frank, and Margaret leaned forward in anticipation.  
  
" . . . my sanity. Have you seen it around here?"  
  
If I didn't hate anime so much, I'd type that all three fell over anime- style.  
  
The End! 


End file.
